Too inhibited to learn, I’ve made a series of poor choices. I went to sea and instantly yearned for land. I got an office job and yearned for creativity. Only when I started developing software did I get a taste of how work could be, even then there was little joy. I was frustrated, blamed others and felt unable to solve the problems that I saw. I was, as my mum once told me at a Christmas party, “inhibited”.
I concealed what I was doing, fearful or how others might judge.
I competed with others, when I should have been collaborating. Unsure of my potential, I tried to protect my relative competence by putting others down.
I lived off my assumptions, rather than go and discover the truth. Too scared that my assumption might be wrong.
I saw potential conflict and ran. Too shy to enquire why there were differences.
When inhibition lead to building the wrong thing in the wrong way, I found ways to blame others rather than making time for reflection.
If I’d reflected I might have discovered:
How the unresolved conflict left us full of fear, isolated, predatory, defensive.
How our assumptions were based on what I wanted to see, rather than what really was.
How our lack of collaboration meant standing still, rather than learning,
How our concealment meant we couldn’t see how we might improve.
No improvement equals stasis, equals frustration. Too scared to face reality, we do it to ourselves.
Diary of a ScrumMaster 